The Science of Missing You

Its a GIRL!

2012-01-06T10:48:00.001-08:00

20 weeks

Logan Elizabeth is due 27 May 2012

:-)

Miss me?

2011-11-30T10:26:00.000-08:00

Probably not *lol* life goes on just fine without me posting a blog!

I am still pregnant, still very pregnant. And very sick. Pregnancy is never kind to me. Maks has been so very kind though, so sweet and helpful and patient with me. He hears me throwing up and he runs to find the tissues, and pats my back and says "its ok mommy" (oh btw, he is talking so much now it is so exciting!!)

Due May 27th - they originally had estimated May 11th, I was pretty dissapointed it got moved back two weeks :-( He/She is welcome to be as early in May as he/she would like!

I'd love a girl, sewing for a girl is just so much more fun than for a boy! But, we have a boy name picked out and I kinda think its another boy. Either way is just fine of course, but I would love a girl.

Name? Right now its our "Beanie Baby".

If its a boy, David Andrew. After these two men who were killed in my soldiers stryker when hit by an IED. I had thought of this name right away when I found out I was pregnant, but didn't bring it up to Mike unsure of how he would feel about it. But on Veterans Day he declared that was the name he wanted, and I just smiled and said I had already been thinking about it.

If its a girl? Don't know. I have a name I really like but nobody else seems to like it. So I am just not thinking about girls names and if it is a girl probably just not telling the name choice anyways. It's not really their right to choose the name anyways, its mine. If I like it for my daughter, too bad what you like - its not your daughter, its mine! I got a LOT of grief over Maks name too, even had someone (won't name who, you can guess) ask me at his first birthday "So a year later, do you regret his name yet?" No, I don't! I love his name, it suits him perfectly.

Maks - he is so grown up. Fully potty trained, and talking up a storm. I can understand him, but not many other people can yet. He still is about a year or so behind in his speech, but he aw's his speech therapists every time they are here!

I sure did have a turkey on Thanksgiving this year! What a goof. Mike had to work the whole week and weekend over the holiday, so we didn't really do much. I made all my favorite sides (corn pudding, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, stuffing) and then just a little turkey breast. Mike was able to get off on Thanksgiving day around 2:00, so I had it all ready for then - and he came with guests! That was not planned and I was at first very annoyed... but as the single soldiers sat there gorging on food the one commented "this is so much better than the hockey puck they fed us in Afghanistan last year and claimed it was a turkey meal". That made the inconvenience very much worth it.

Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving with your families! You will probably hear from me again around Christmas :-P

"but ma I da beebee!"

2011-10-12T22:09:00.000-07:00

That is Maks new excuse to get away with whatever he wants. And I got to admit, it almost works! Because I am thrilled that he actually has formed a phrase on his own!

Today he also walked in the room and waved at me and said "hi mom"... which to any normal 3 year olds parent is no big deal, but to this 3 year olds parent I was thrilled and in shock at that phrase. And a few moments later when he closed his bedroom door to lock me out he waved and said "bye mom" - again I was thrilled!

He knows his entire alphabet now, and will sound out words. I love driving anywhere with him and he will yell out letters he sees on signs as we drive by. And if you ask him his name he doesnt say "Maks", he sounds out each letter to spell his name for you lol

But nothing is cuter than him looking at me with a look of bewilderment and saying "but ma, i da beebee!" when he is told he can't have something or do something. Soak that up while you can little man, cause in 7 months you will no longer be "da beebee"!

So that's what I have been up to...

2011-09-26T21:30:00.000-07:00

Happy 4 Year Wedding Anniv MY LOVE!

2011-08-24T02:55:00.001-07:00

Today is our 4 year wedding anniversary! The last 4 years have been full of amazingly wonderful things, and some surprisingly devastating things. But I hope you can tell that I still love him madly deeply! And if you can't tell... he is in the middle of saying "bigfoot" while I tried to take that picture. *rolls eyes* Also, if you can't tell... he is rather doped up on medications *lol*

BUT the medications are helping him sleep! Which is fantastic! He has been super awesome the past week. He has been going to bed at the same time as the 2 year old though, which has been leaving me without "us time" :-( When I brought that up he said he already was talking to his doctor about that, and asked if there was a different medication that didn't necessarily knock him out cold so quickly so he could still "behave like a married man" LOL. I love him.

In celebration I am holding a raffle on my website!! He helped me put together this brand spankin new purse! It is available in Army ACU, Air Force ABU, Marine Desert MARPAT, and Navy NWU! It is super cute. Only $2.00 for a raffle ticket!!

www.kayleeskloset.weebly.com

new tagline

2011-08-21T23:26:00.001-07:00

So I used to have "another year, another deployment" as my little tagline... Well, now that he is non-deployable, that doesn't apply.

But he still hasn't been home with us, and has still been missed... so if it isn't a deployment, then it is something else taking him away from me! And it's still all thanks to the Army ;-)

He is doing much better, on a good medication to help him sleep. He hasn't had any "episodes" since starting the medication either.

He has a TBI clinic scheduled to start in a few days... I don't really know what that means. Is it a treatment clinic or a testing clinic? I dunno. But it starts soon.

If that is inconclusive... then a sleep study.

I don't know what any of it will bring us... if it is something as simple as having to take a sleeping pill, will they still try and med-board us out of the military?

So many unknowns. But that is the military life right?

On a happy note...

Isn't that seriously adorable?! This is the newest pony in our life, Bob. He is a Welsh pony, but looks like a small cob. He is so hunky! I love him. He looks very unhappy here, but he really is so easy going. He was just annoyed at being told to stand still as the person walked out of the picture haha

ER, ICU, prison...

2011-08-16T08:26:00.001-07:00

OK not really prison, but it felt like it.

So if you had followed me in the past, you know Mr Mike struggles with "episodes" - memory loss, confusion of where he is and what he is doing, misplaced memories, sleep walking.

Some things I have lately discovered about them are:
-they are always late at night
-he generally has had several days of restless nights prior to a night of an "episode"

On July 20 I took him into the ER because he thought he was in Afghanistan and was in a panic trying to find his weapon and was ready for combat. They decided to admit him into the local Behavioral Health center for 24 hour supervision and observation. I felt like a prison wife during that time. He could only have supervised 5 minute phone calls, and scheduled supervised visitation hour. He could only wear shoes without laces, gym shorts without ties or velcro, and plain solid t-shirts. I could only bring him books and pictures - which were thoroughly examined before being given to him.
While he was in there they put him on an anxiety medication and started treatment for PTSD, and scheduled to have him thoroughly tested for TBI. (PTSD: post traumatic stress disorder/TBI: traumatic brain injury).
He was released to come home on August 2nd, the day before my birthday! I was ecstatic to have him home for my birthday. On the night of the 2nd he was up all night pacing and unable to sleep. While at the center they were giving him medication to help him sleep, except for the night of the 1st - and then he couldn't take it as an outpatient. So he didn't sleep the night of the 1st or the 2nd... so I am sure you can guess what happened on the night of the 3rd.

Back to the ER we went. This time his vitals started crashing while in the ER. He was still really confused as to what was going on and thought he was in Afghanistan again and that there was an attack and everyone was injured, he was in a panic and wanted to try and help everyone and was telling us "I'm fine... see no blood, help someone else!" So they sedated him. Little did they know that sedatives don't put him to sleep - they make him super loopy. So his behavior became incredibly psychotic after the sedative.
He was moved into the ICU to stay until his vitals were stabilized. The ICU dr only got to see him after the sedatives, so their opinions on the situation were on his behavior under sedation. They concluded that he is either schizophrenic or doing "bath salts", and sent him straight to the psych ward when his vitals were stabilized. I was not all too thrilled, he is not schizophrenic or doing "bath salts!" (If you are unsure what "bath salts" are, don't worry - we had no idea what it was either until they explained it all to us in the psych ward! Obviously we are heavy users... lol)

I asked to meet with his main doctor in the psych ward so I could get her his full medical history and explain the story to her. She let me into her office, but I only got about 5 words out before she cut me off and said "No no honey, I saw the notes from the ICU I know what is wrong, he is doing drugs." EXCUSE ME?! You cannot make a medical diagnoses from the notes of one night of someone on a sedative!! I told her "excuse me, you need to know his full story" and proceeded to tell her about his deployment and that all his symptoms are signs of PTSD and sleep deprivation. She laughed at me and told me "Lady I used to work in a psych ward in New York City - I have seen REAL problems, he doesn't have anything to have PTSD over. And none of these things are symptoms of PTSD anyways, they are all just psychotic behavior."

So the streets of NYC are apparently worse than an infantry deployment to Afghanistan?! Are you for real lady?! And she didn't even hear the explanation of his symptoms, only the notes from the ICU when he was on a sedative!

So I stormed out (after telling her what I thought about her - I couldn't control myself) and marched straight to the patient advocacy office. I told them the entire story and got them his medical history - and they had him out the next business day and set up with the TBI clinic and a doctor to treat PTSD.

Yesterday he was able to start his sleep and PTSD medication, and guess what - it works! He slept last night, he actually slept. And he slept calmly, no thrashing and shaking. He laid still and calm and SLEPT. He starts his TBI clinic at the end of the month to see if it is TBI causing his sleep problems, and then will be doing a sleep study if he is found to not have TBI. If the sleep study has no conclusive results, he is being officially diagnosed with PTSD.

I still want to punch that psych ward doctor in the face. She got a nasty ICE report filled out about her. OK not nasty - I just explained the full situation and said "I am very concerned about the poor soldier who does not have family to stand behind him and explain the real situation to her, or to go and fight for him when she sticks a false accusation of doing awful narcotic drugs!" That is just not fair.

So that has been my last two months! WOW.

Goodbye Army?

2011-08-01T16:00:00.000-07:00

Well, looks like he may be getting discharged.

And that isn't said with happiness and excitement.

to deploy, or not to deploy...

2011-07-22T21:16:00.000-07:00

That is the question... that I have an answer to!

But, I can't tell you.

I can tell you I am not happy with the answer. But not for the reasons you would expect.

I can tell you that I am extremely sad and lonely right now. But also not for the reasons you would expect.

Whatever you think the answer is, it probably isn't.

I want so badly to vent. So badly.

Oh I almost forgot!!

2011-07-16T14:04:00.000-07:00

I just have to share these adorable pictures of Maks at a baseball game :-)

Thank you!

2011-07-16T13:20:00.001-07:00

Thank you all for joining me yesterday for the MilSpouse Round Up! I loved reading all the blogs of those who joined. I did in fact read all of them, I commented on the one's I had something quick to say - and the rest I will be revisiting today :-)

Unless you wrote about Harry Potter - cause I haven't even finished the first movie and couldn't get through the first chapter of the book, totally was not interesting to me lol. So I don't know or have much to say about those posts! Sorry!

It has been a super hectic weekend already. I need a vacation away from my weekend.
And its been a bit of an "off" day today... Mr. Maks has gone through 4 pairs of underwear in just the past half hour, I sewed a zipper into a bag upside down, I can't find my 5 yards of black fabric anywhere, Mr. Mike promised to do the dishes but instead keeps piling more dishes onto the counter, Mr. Maks pee'd on his blankie so it is in the wash and he is devastated and moody and mean (I really need to cut it into quarters so its first of all smaller and there will always be one clean one available).

Mil-Spouse Round Up!

2011-07-14T07:36:00.000-07:00

I was asked by the dear Sarah (Mowenackie) to host this week's MilSpouse Round Up!

Link up and share your best/most important/funniest/saddest/most ridiculous post from this week!

A little about me... My name is Lauren, I am (turning) 24 years old and have been married for (almost) 4 years to my soldier, Mr Mike. Mr Mike has severed in the US Army Infantry for 5+ years, and was just recently attached to an Armored Division unit as their security detail for the Head Quarters. We moved from WA to TX in April, and found out shortly after settling in here that he would be deploying (again) in a few short months. So now we are just counting down the days to my 24th birthday - which happens to be the day he is leaving. Yay, happy birthday to me! Right?! We have an absolutely beautiful 2.5 year old boy, who is super smart and super sensitive. He knows his alphabet, and likes to sound out words - but he can't actually talk. He is the sweetest little thing in the world though - he loves trucks, ponies, his dog Dug, and veggies.

Thanks so much for joining me, I can't wait to get to know you all!

Join us over at A Sailor's Valentine for next week's MilSpouse Round Up!

I hope he does deploy?

2011-07-13T20:03:00.000-07:00

So he is going through some more health evaluations for TBI and PTSD...
They are leaning towards TBI now.

If he does end up positive (I am pretty sure he has PTSD) with either one, he will be deemed undeployable.

Which sounds spectacular at first thought... but then realizing that him being undeployable means he has TBI or PTSD, the excitement of him staying home is gone.

Deployment is 12 months at the most. TBI and PTSD are a lifetime.

I will take a year of being away from him than a lifetime of him slowly degrading mentally.

Of course deployment means the possibility of death and injury - but so could TBI and PTSD.

Which would you prefer, a deployment or a nondeployable TBI or PTSD?

I just had to share!

2011-07-09T12:39:00.001-07:00

Isn't that adorable?! It is made from actual military grade uniform fabric, and designed to look just like the front of the uniform top. And *gasp* they aren't ridiculously priced! They have all the different branches of military, and several different paper packs too.

http://www.uniformedscrapbook.com/

**I am in no way being paid for advertising - I am just excited about my find! lol**

And, this I am being paid to advertise :-P

How do I help Maks cope?

2011-07-06T09:51:00.000-07:00

Facing a deployment with a young child is scary enough as it is - but with a child who can't talk and express his feelings is so intimidating.

Maks has a speech development delay. His language and cognitive development actually tests above average - so it is not a problem with understanding language, he just cannot form words.

Which means this deployment is going to be very hard for him, because he has no way of asking me the questions he has or expressing the feelings he is having.

Maks has normal temper tantrums like any 2 year old, and when they are selfish and uncalled for he is disciplined accordingly or ignored. But there are many times his screaming fits are completely understandable - there are things that are obviously bothering him and he is trying to tell me but can't. He gets so upset that he resolves to laying face down crying hysterically and pounding the floor with his fists. Those moments I try so hard to comfort him, because his emotions are just and completely called for.

I am so worried about him with this coming deployment. I know he will understand so much of what is going on, and will have so many questions and feelings about what is going on. But he will have no words. I won't know how to help him or answer his questions because I don't know what they are.

We have tried sign language, and he isn't very into the whole idea. I am hoping that his speech therapy will encourage him to use sign language.
He is also getting hearing tests done in August to see if maybe he just can't hear correctly so it is affecting his speech. We don't think that is the problem - but it is good to rule it out.

I just want to be able to help my child when he needs it - and right now I can't because I don't know what it is that he needs!

Our Last Holiday

2011-07-03T23:48:00.000-07:00

Mexico. See the black fence - don't cross it... illegally anyways :-P

Our neighbor, Marina, and her son Octavio. We love them.
I LOVE Maks face in this picture!!

Maks is such a ham. Listening to By The Tree perform, while waiting for it to get dark!

Maks and Daddy waiting for it to be dark enough to see the fireworks!

I have to admit, I am impressed with my photography skills with the fireworks this year :-P

Our church had the most amazing service today. It started with the National Anthem, and then had a member of each branch stand in their dress uniform at attention in the center of the stage while the choir sang their branches anthem! After they went through each branch, men in combat uniform came running through the room with gunshots blasting through the auditorium and fireworks shooting from the stage! They all gathered at the center of the stage and froze in the form of "The Flag of Iwo Jima". When the fireworks died down, the room grew dim and a video began to play on the large screen behind them - a video memorializing family members of church attenders lost in the line of duty, while a trumpet played TAPS.
I cried through the entire service. It was beautiful, and so well done. I guess it is ironic that this is the last holiday we will spend together as a family before he leaves again.

For the first time ever...

2011-07-01T22:34:00.000-07:00

I love my neighbor! I really do. I love my neighbor. She is so sweet, level headed, sensible, NORMAL, and has a son just a tad younger than Maks. She is an Army Wife too! You generally don't find all those qualities in one of them :-P

She had been planning on moving home during this deployment, but today stated "I just don't see the practicality in it". SCORE! I of course then proceeded to tell her all the reasons why she is so correct in that statement. And the major one being, of course, that I would hate her forever if she left me!

She makes me dinner a lot too. I got beef stew yesterday, and a hamburger today! If there is a knock on the door right around dinner time, I know I don't need to make dinner that night.

I bought them tickets to join us at a water park on Sunday, for a concert by: By The Tree.

And then fireworks that night at the water park! I LOVE fireworks.

I kept meaning to make Maks a little 4th of July outfit - but my newest product in my shop has had me crazy busy with orders! Which is GREAT! And I really enjoy making this product and it is actually starting to bring me an income! But it has left Maks without a 4th of July outfit. Poor baby. He will just have to wear store-bought I suppose. Oh the horror! I know!

Speaking of my new product:

Made from your own uniform top! Any branch. Can be a diaper bag or a large shoulder bag. This one is a diaper bag. I love the Navy NWU uniform colors! They are so pretty.

Ok - he can't talk, but he can read?!

2011-06-30T16:43:00.000-07:00

He came to me with this all on his own. I didn't work hard to get him to learn his letters - he just started to recognize them on his own. Especially the letters in his name, as you can see.

He has this little thing by LeapFrog called Fridge Phonics - where he can put those letters into this thing and they sing a little song about that letter and the sound it makes. He will put letters in and listen to the song, and then repeat the letters name and the sound. He will occasionally bring me a letter, where ever I happen to be, and will tell me its name and the sound that he just learned!

Oh and he recognizes the difference between uppercase and lowercase letters. When he see's a lowercase letter - he says "aww waaa"(his word for baby) and then says its sound!

He starts speech therapy next week too! I am sure they will be impressed with his alphabet skills :-)

I wish I could give my 2 year old his innocence back.

2011-06-30T11:45:00.000-07:00

It breaks my heart seeing my 2 year old child grasp the idea of our country being at war.

No 2 year old should have to sacrifice for our country - but mine has.

My dear 2 year old boy, has given more to this country than most adult American's ever will.

Today he brought me his "Over There" book again (a wonderful book about a daddy doing the same things there that we do here - there is a mommy version as well). I read it to him again, but replacing the word "there" with "at work" - because he understands that daddy goes to work every day, so I wanted him to realize that soon daddy will be doing all these things (eating, sleeping, brushing teeth, playing games, ect) at work instead of here with us.

Every time I read this book to him I can see waves of understanding across his face - sometimes different pages are easier to understand to him on different days.

Today he was very quiet while reading that book, and it made me break down in tears.

My dear child sat up and put his arm around my neck, and then handed me his blankie. If you knew my child and his blankie - then you would understand the deep level of love he was displaying in that action.

I was so touched by his little act of love.
At the same time made me feel awful. I should be comforting him during this - not my 2 year old needing to comfort me.

BUT I do feel pretty proud knowing I raised such a wonderful little boy with such a huge heart! I did good. :-)

Military vs Civilian Relationships

2011-06-29T13:51:00.000-07:00

I do not think it is fair for military wives to think so low of civilian relationships. I have to bite my tongue from starting an argument when I see a military wife say "pft those civilian wives could never handle what we do."

Why couldn't they?

A relationship surviving something has nothing to do with being military or civilian - it has to do with the relationship itself.

Any couple that loves each other - will survive anything.

Not all military couples survive a deployment. And many civilian couples would survive a deployment.

Yes, it does drive me nuts when I see a civilian wife crying in self pity over her husbands weekend business trip. And I want to slap a wife who says "oh I know how you feel! My husband had to go another state for a while for work once!" A posh business trip staying in a hotel with phones and internet does not compare to a deployment.

BUT - I do think that if their husbands suddenly were thrown into a deployment like setting, their love would still last and survive. Not because they are "military", but because they love each other.

And I do not think military relationships are all stronger than civilian relationships. I have seen more military couples cheating on each other than I have civilian. Actually, I could make lists of military couples who have a cheating partner, but can't even name one civilian couple.

A relationship is built on love, not on your spouses job.

It's coming for me....

2011-06-28T15:05:00.000-07:00

And I don't know where to hide.

I'm scared.

And already lonely.